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I started to write a reply to robinellen, but it got too long. :) So I'll put it here.
I'm just as sad as everyone else over what happened in Connecticut, and mostly I haven't said much because I feel like anything I say has already been said and would come out trite. But outside of feeling incredibly sad, I've been thinking (like everyone else) on how you prevent something like this from happening again. Yes to better mental health care. (I actually don't know if the guy had mental health issues. I see this on social media, but not any firm statements from authorities. But in any case, better mental health care is always a good thing.) Yes to gun control. Nobody *needs* a weapon that can shoot that many bullets that fast, even if you do hunt for your family's food. But Robin brought up a really important point, that for things to stick, something fundamental has to change inside us.
I think sometimes we focus on "sins of commission" without the other half of the equation. You can tell people not to watch so much violent media and not to buy guns and not to do a lot of things. But you have to have something that you ARE doing to fill in that vacuum. It's not just what you DON'T do, it's what you DO that changes you. So some of the thoughts I've had the past few days are on things I want to more consciously teach my kids:
1. Love and compassion. How? By feeling unconditional love from parents, first of all. You learn to love because someone else loved you first, and showed you how. Teach kids empathy, to see situations from someone else's point of view. Look for needs other people have and help them, and bring your kids along so that they get practice in this. If everyone was as concerned about someone else's welfare as their own, they wouldn't want to hurt anyone else, not even in small "harmless" ways like nasty comments on line...
2. Integrity. Teach kids to make good, moral choices and to stand up for them, even if it's unpopular. To choose what is right and not what is easy (that Dumbledore! So wise!). Teach them to be trustworthy and honest. Teach them to be someone others can depend on. Teach them to be good, honorable people.
3. Choice and natural consequence. Teach kids that there are consequences for their choices. Real life is not like a video game, where you can get your lives back. You are free to choose whatever you want, but once you do, the consequence bound to that choice will happen. It's easier to teach this when kids are small, with little things (if you eat your ice cream sandwich now, you won't have one after dinner when everyone else is enjoying theirs), and you will avoid the big things (hacking into government computers sends you to jail). Sometimes people think about the negative side of consequences too much. Teach them also to work. The consequences of working hard and honestly may include money. Improved skills. A sense of accomplishment. A better place to live. Help to other people. Better sleep at night! You need to know that when you do good things, good comes back to you, too.
4. How to control anger. We all feel angry sometimes; it's a natural emotion that is part of the set humans come with. But how to react to it appropriately is something we have to learn. My 7YO's suggestion for getting your anger under control is to go to another room and get a drink of water and wait until you calm down. I think this is one of the hardest things to learn, because it comes up in small and large ways over and over, from tiny babies to elderly adults. It's something we all need to think about before we're in a situation of anger. How am I going to calm down? How am I going to react--or not? How can I learn to lay down my need for hot, vicious revenge and move on? It doesn't mean you have to concede that someone's action is right--murder is NOT right--and it doesn't mean you have to put yourself in harm's way again. It doesn't even mean letting a criminal go free--dangerous criminals need to be arrested to prevent them from harming others, as well as hopefully get help for them, too. But the ability to lay down your anger means the ability to set aside rage, a need for white-hot revenge. To say, the fighting stops here, I have better things to do. Apply your angry energy to changing laws, to helping others, to cleaning your room or whatever else you've got, instead. Robbie Parker, father of one of the little girls who was killed, said this so, so, so much better than I ever could. He didn't explain it; he's DOING it. Ditto little Grace's mother.
Other ideas?
I'm just as sad as everyone else over what happened in Connecticut, and mostly I haven't said much because I feel like anything I say has already been said and would come out trite. But outside of feeling incredibly sad, I've been thinking (like everyone else) on how you prevent something like this from happening again. Yes to better mental health care. (I actually don't know if the guy had mental health issues. I see this on social media, but not any firm statements from authorities. But in any case, better mental health care is always a good thing.) Yes to gun control. Nobody *needs* a weapon that can shoot that many bullets that fast, even if you do hunt for your family's food. But Robin brought up a really important point, that for things to stick, something fundamental has to change inside us.
I think sometimes we focus on "sins of commission" without the other half of the equation. You can tell people not to watch so much violent media and not to buy guns and not to do a lot of things. But you have to have something that you ARE doing to fill in that vacuum. It's not just what you DON'T do, it's what you DO that changes you. So some of the thoughts I've had the past few days are on things I want to more consciously teach my kids:
1. Love and compassion. How? By feeling unconditional love from parents, first of all. You learn to love because someone else loved you first, and showed you how. Teach kids empathy, to see situations from someone else's point of view. Look for needs other people have and help them, and bring your kids along so that they get practice in this. If everyone was as concerned about someone else's welfare as their own, they wouldn't want to hurt anyone else, not even in small "harmless" ways like nasty comments on line...
2. Integrity. Teach kids to make good, moral choices and to stand up for them, even if it's unpopular. To choose what is right and not what is easy (that Dumbledore! So wise!). Teach them to be trustworthy and honest. Teach them to be someone others can depend on. Teach them to be good, honorable people.
3. Choice and natural consequence. Teach kids that there are consequences for their choices. Real life is not like a video game, where you can get your lives back. You are free to choose whatever you want, but once you do, the consequence bound to that choice will happen. It's easier to teach this when kids are small, with little things (if you eat your ice cream sandwich now, you won't have one after dinner when everyone else is enjoying theirs), and you will avoid the big things (hacking into government computers sends you to jail). Sometimes people think about the negative side of consequences too much. Teach them also to work. The consequences of working hard and honestly may include money. Improved skills. A sense of accomplishment. A better place to live. Help to other people. Better sleep at night! You need to know that when you do good things, good comes back to you, too.
4. How to control anger. We all feel angry sometimes; it's a natural emotion that is part of the set humans come with. But how to react to it appropriately is something we have to learn. My 7YO's suggestion for getting your anger under control is to go to another room and get a drink of water and wait until you calm down. I think this is one of the hardest things to learn, because it comes up in small and large ways over and over, from tiny babies to elderly adults. It's something we all need to think about before we're in a situation of anger. How am I going to calm down? How am I going to react--or not? How can I learn to lay down my need for hot, vicious revenge and move on? It doesn't mean you have to concede that someone's action is right--murder is NOT right--and it doesn't mean you have to put yourself in harm's way again. It doesn't even mean letting a criminal go free--dangerous criminals need to be arrested to prevent them from harming others, as well as hopefully get help for them, too. But the ability to lay down your anger means the ability to set aside rage, a need for white-hot revenge. To say, the fighting stops here, I have better things to do. Apply your angry energy to changing laws, to helping others, to cleaning your room or whatever else you've got, instead. Robbie Parker, father of one of the little girls who was killed, said this so, so, so much better than I ever could. He didn't explain it; he's DOING it. Ditto little Grace's mother.
Other ideas?
